1. I blog what I like
2. No flaming
3. I appreciate friendliness
4. Fuck off if you don't like my attitude

DoubleO to celebrate the end of school for all of us. It's like suddenly, we're no longer freshies, rather, we've graduated. So that night was a hell loads of fun for us.


Our incomplete group photo.
The girls. I like this photo cos my boobs looks big. Hahahaha. Disgusting.That's me as the alcoholic, like always. Getting my hands on some once I step in.

That's my small boy plus joker. Irwin.Sharifah and her really sharp chin. She loves chicken wings.

Farah. The hot hot malay girl, I like.

Winston, how can I describe him. Hmmm.
Tracy, I think she's trying to violate me. Rachel, why do everyone like kissing me?

Will, the very muscular bitch.
Jackson, the tooty turn cute guy.
Ah Jun, not a law student but my lil' bro nevertheless.
Here comes Jo. Who looks very gone.
Jo likes to stick out her hand like paparazzi's taking photos of us.
I am ashamed to say I have very bad slouching problem.
But I am proud to let you all know. That I have shed some weight. As you all can see. :D
This photo makes my face look slim!
Haha, Tracy doesn't understand why we have to tango to R&B.
I started fooling around and none of them can tahan me.
See! Her face so reluctant.
I think she's smiling so blissfully cos' she's resting on my boobs. So not counted.
Rachel only concentrates on taking pretty photos.
But okay la, she's different. She's still very nice.
But BF's nicer. My typical "I-want-my-honey" face and pose.
So I ran up and jumped onto him. He still genuinely very happy you see! Told you BF's the best.
So I just stayed there blissfully.
So sweet right. (:

Yayness! I'm going to Bangkok and Genting with BF. I'm getting girlfriends to come along too! I shall start planning now.

Anyway, I was just thinking. If you don't like me or have something against me. Say it to my face or just show it directly. What's with "ooops..."?

Cowardly creatures.

End of school. End of poly life. End of studies for now. What am I gonna do? Goodness.
Had fun for the past 4 days with my friends, BF, family, people around me that I love so much. Gotta start planning how my life is gonna go on from here. Photos up on facebook which is so much more convenient. I'll prolly just rant here for all I want. (:

Because she would ask me why I loved her
By Christopher Brennan

If questioning would make us wise
No eyes would ever gaze in eyes;
If all our tale were told in speech
No mouths would wander each to each.

Were spirits free from mortal mesh
And love not bound in hearts of flesh
No aching breasts would yearn to meet
And find their ecstasy complete.

For who is there that lives and knows
The secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?.

Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why"
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.

Life in me, is what you give. ily honey.

I'll be having my first paper in 6 hours time and I can't get to sleep. Y'know, when you're suffering from all the anxiety and you just stand by the window, things just flash past your mind and sometimes, you see it from a new perspective.

What's friendship really. I've a 13 years bestie. What more am I asking for? But sometimes, I'll just miss those times that I had with that particular someone which most of you will actually know who I'm talking about. It's like, if we weren't so stubborn in our own ways then, will we have ended up like that? I still love you very much as a friend, baby, whatever. But does it make a difference now? Prolly no. Maybe until a day when we come to realise that all differences and grievances deep down inside have disappeared, then would we be back to how we used to be. But I'm not counting on that. Because you seem happy with what you have now and I'm really glad for you. Just seeing you once in awhile, maybe for mahjong sessions or seeing each other in a club and have fun, would suffice. What else do I want more? Probably just your mutual appreciation of what we once had. That scrapbook? It really helps.

So many things have happened and I feel emotionally and mentally defeated. I've bawled my eyes out, cried my guts out but achieved nothing at the end of the day. Maybe fear isn't something that can be conquered with just words of assurance. This fear or hell hole that I've created for myself is not something that anyone can fill it up for me. I'll just have to get through it myself with someone's help. But nobody's helping, so there I am. Still stuck in that hell hole.

Y'know. Life is all about choices, making them and not regretting them. It's like the art of drawing without using an eraser. I can use bolder lines to cover the thinner ones. But when there are too many fine lines. No matter how bold another line is, it cannot cover them totally. And if it ever can, it spoils the whole fucking drawing. Maybe I should stop drawing such fine lines because I chose to, not because I want to. My life is MY LIFE right? But when you love someone that very much, you get so tangled up and there won't be a differentiation of who's life is whose. Does this apply to everyone or is it just me alone?

I've made a choice now. Not because I like it but because I want it. Is that contradicting or is that stupid? But love is never fair nor logical, no? People lose their minds when it comes to love and I'm just like any other normal human being. At least, that's what I think for now. After all this rantings, I'm sorry to inform any of you who is reading this, it does not make a difference from the start of everything. So, it's still back to that "normal".

Was talking to Rach on Msn and I reminded myself this phrase that I always said but forgotten about it as time passes. "Guys will only know how to appreciate their losses." But I don't think this applies to just guys only. Ladies too, but with a lower probability.

Someone told me that "Babe, this is a fucking free world. So do what you like and say what you like." Well, it's easier said than done I guess.

I stood by the window and looked down and thought how my body would look, distorted with guts spilling out lying on the floor 10 levels down. Who will be devastated over my death and be affected for life, yes, FOR LIFE. Maybe except for my family members and two important persons in my life, nobody else.

But then again, am I really that significant to this world? Does my existence matters as much as I think it does because nobody's indispensable?

Guess that's a question everyone should ask themselves.

Just because Mummy heard a dog barking and howling non-stop. She thinks that someone's gonna die soon. Because, "No dog will bark so much in the middle of the night and howl that way for nothing."

Right, that's my Mom for you.

I should stop staring at matrimonial proceedings because it's annoying. Should start on accident claims or insolvency instead. OMG. Less than 12 hours to go but I'm nowhere near the mark yet. Bahhh.

I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate

CCB. KNN. fucking hell. goddamnit. I have no idea what's wrong with me. But all fucking go die.

At least from a wall, I hear echoes.

I just stole photos from BF's phone. And they are hilarious. Enjoy.
My attempt to add a photo into BF's private collection.
Then the 360 degrees difference.
Yes yes, he's plucking those hairs that I've left out. Apparently he does a more elaborate job than me. Laugh la laugh la. I think it's sweet ley. You all are just jealous. HAHAHAHAHA.

ONLY IF YOU LIKE TO READ MY RANDOM RANTING POSTS

Been thinking alot recently, especially when it comes to relationships and stuff. I know it isn't the right time to think about all these due to all my over-the-edge-pressing deadlines and looming examinations drawing near. But you see, in his terms, shit happens. And precisely because shit happens, they led me thinking.

A whole load of shit has been happening and bestie, isn't having a great time herself either. My heart goes all out to her. But she is the one person whom made me believe a strong relationship can pull through anything.

I've always been thinking why most couples will feel awkward when either one of them keeps quiet but reassures that he/she is not thinking of anything negative or that he/she will not burst out crying in 0.172 seconds. I've always treated my relationship in a way whereby I know I can keep quiet yet feel at ease beside him, hoping that he will feel that way too. It is because I believe that there's no gap between us that we are so close as to just sit beside each other, simply relishing the presence of the other. But of course nobody will do this on every single date luh!

Let's just put it this way, in my relationship, I see no gap needed to be filled with words/sounds because silence is not awkward. It's the serenity, peace with oneself and the other, knowing that the both of us is as much in love as the other is. In reality, some will probably term it as "communication breakdown".

But communication may not be a good thing afterall. I've always thought I can express myself and put it through to the other person in a way I meant it to be. After awhile, I came to this realization that,

• "Clare fucking sucks at it"
• "Clare's chioce of words fucking sucks"
• "Clare fucking can only think for herself and tries to enforce her perspective onto me"
• "Clare is stubborn"
• "Clare can probably write an essay rather than talk/text"
  

And all along, I am only voicing out my views instead of enforcing them onto someone else because I know for a fact that perspectives cannot be enforced or incorporated into another. I've always thought my command of language is not that bad. But I cannot explain why I cannot do this.

Have I digressed too much? I've been reflecting for days about my relationship, Clare as a GF, Clare as a person. And sometimes, I feel like I will gradually lose the real Clare as a person because I want to change for the one that I love. Because anything is worth it right? As long as BF will love me more, blablabla. But that is bullshit. That is being totally naive.

I know BF accepts me for who I am and I'm really thankful for that. Okay good game, my train of thought zoomed outta my mind.

I'm quite blank now cos' I haven't gotten enough sleep. I don't know why I'm going on typing but yeah. I'm sorry to whoever is reading this now cos' it's kinda pointless. I should go rant in my livejournal instead.

The whole point of this stupid ranting post is that,
" We are so close to each other honey, even just by sitting beside each other, there will be this inexplicably unique feeling between. Words is to understand what the other person is thinking and of course for basic communication. Words should not be used to cover up a silent awkwardness. "

Okay fine, the subject matter is: BF and me is that close to an extent we do not need irrelevant stuffs to fill any gap cos' there's no gap to start with. And I'm very happy about it.

Didn't bother about this space for the past week cos I've been really busy. Last minute CNY shopping together with all the deadlines and shit. Anyway, since I have the photos with me and the time to spare now...

Miss Big Square Jaw feat Mr Puny Oval Eyes on the first day of CNY at his Grandma's.


I know, BF should stop acting cute.
And fucking stop flexing dimples and nostrils.
Day 1 was boring. Same old family thing, played mj at Grandma's, played BlackJack after mj, win finish money, get out and have fun. Bestie and I met up and since we were driving around aimlessly, we decided to get some fresh air.
But apparently, the place was filled with idiotic people who have nothing better to do than to picnic there and make hell lotsa noise. Drove over to DblO, wanted to chill on drinking but got free drinks from the people working there. So I drank Xueli's share too cos' she's gonna be behind the wheel. Besides, if she's the one drinking, I'll have a hard time. HHAHAHA. bitch.

So I came home looking super unglam as compared to the start of the day.Then came day 2 which was relaxed.


Went over to my relatives with BF before heading down to Joey's with bestie joining us. OVERNIGHT MJ! Woohoo. Been a long time since. Anyway, here's Chivas, that hyperactive lil baby I haven't hugged in the longest of time. He was damn shagged that day.
Roll roll roll, rolling while sleeping is goddamnit cute.
Yes, as expected. Day 2 ended with me looking chui again. But it's 7am! You can't blame me!
Apparently when I left his Grandma's on day 1, his Grandma asked his sister "Your er4 sao3 (2nd sister-in-law) go already huh?" and she asked his Mom, "Where is your xi2 fu4 (daughter-in-law)?". All these are in accordance to what I've heard from both BF and lil sister.

Honestly, I am openly very shy about it but I am also secretly smug. MUAHAHAHA. But still, those terms will not come till years later, as planned. (: