Friday, October 27, 2006 ♥
oh yay, i'm without my laptop cos it's stuck at boyfriend's. so, i cant use msn cos i didnt download msn in this comp. will kinda pity my lappie, must have been tortured for nights.
hmmm, wasnt feelin too well nowadays, close friends know what i mean. especially my kimli darling. yayaya, shit it. what's relationship without trust. frankly i dont know how i'm feeling and. i dont know how to let him know how i'm feeling too. ok, it's DUH. i don't even know what i'm feeling. hahaha
i wanna say thanks to a few people here;
1. kimli
yes dear, thanks for being there always. i dont know how else to thank you man, you're the best!
2. kimli's darling desmond
oh ya, i've to thank you too. thanks for 'lending' kim to me that day, without her i think i'll rot somewhere and decompose already. and sorry for spoiling your date for that day. if both of you ever need my help someday, i wont hesitate. cross my heart.
3. yvonne, xiuli, alison, kelly.... etc etc
those who always encourages me and give me advices. yeap. i love you all loads!
4. my mama
for her "loving someone is torturous, being loved is happiness" in chinese
5. joey
although somethings happened, but you're still the one who knows most about my relationship with him since when we just started, and you're the one with the most advice. thanks ~
so, it all happened on the 23rd of oct 2006 1715hrs. it was then when you made me feel that you dont trust me. it was then when you made me feel like i'm a fucking idiot. giving in all the time, doing things for you without any complaints; yet you made me feel like u BELIEVED that i'm unfaithful, that i'm doing things behind your back. you should know better than anyone else what kinda girlfriend i am, cos (obviously) i'm your girlfriend! how do i explain my feeling at that moment in time.. disappointed, anguish, anger, lost ... what was the last resort to avoid myself shouting at you in public ( especially such a crowded place like vivo ) .. to walk away.. so i did. i dashed across the busy road in tears and when i reached the other side of the road, i looked back to see if you were coming for me, but sadly no. i waited for your call or sms, but sadly, my phone didnt ring. another wave of emotions hit me again. i sank into self depression "does he even care about me ? ". i couldnt control myself, i succumbed. i'm the weak one yet all over again. i sms-ed you first.
but yet again ~ i was disappointed. i asked for 15 mins to talk, you said you couldnt walk away from your friends. you asked me to go home. you tried to chase me away. am i unreasonable to ask for 15 mins? i even promised that after we talked, i would go find them together with you like nothing ever happened.. i bargained, 10 mins will do, or even 5 will do. as long as we get things right. but dear, you let me down. i cried, i sat alone at a bus stop for 45 mins before i walked into the shoppin mall. yet you asked me to go away, you said that you dont want your friends to see you cos you told them i'm at home. why did you lie to them in the first place? why cant you just say you quarrelled with me? am i so umimportant? why must i hide away from all of you! i have my freedom to walk around.. who am i? am i not your girlfriend? am i not the one you love most? why ask me to be so *gui gui sui sui*? what did i do wrong?!
i walked away at 17:15 and kimli only reached at 19:15. the FUCKING 2 hours that i spent alone is the FUCKING most painful 2 hrs in my FUCKING life. i have a limit. i can tolerate ANY nonsense that you give, but i CANT tolerate my own boyfriend thinking that i'm unfaithful or if he himself is unfaithful towards me.
you came to find me at 21:00. do you know that once you turned back and left, my tears just fell? i had to hold them back when you were around, that's why i didnt wanna look into your eyes. i will never forget that night, when i sat at the rooftop facing sentosa, crying . the first time going to somewhere new as a couple should be a happy experience . but for me , its so damn opposite....
today is 26th oct 2006. its been 3 days since the incident has passed. but it will always be tucked somewhere deep in my memory. i was never GENUINELY happy for the last 3 days. NEVER. and i will not be happy until the day you understand the pain that i've gone through . try walking around alone in a mall after you quarrelled with me and i ask you not to appear anywhere near me and my friends. try crying to yourself for 45 mins alone at a bus stop. you wont have a chance to cos i will NEVER treat you like that..
can u even understand how i feel? you always say, cos of me you lose your friendster 'cais' . BIG DEAL. at least you still have your brothers. me LEH?! all my sisters run to where i also dunno le. i dont even dare to call them. cos of you i dont dare to contact guy friends in case you anyhow think again. and when there's an occasional msg or call from any guy friend of mine, you act up.. so who's the sensitive one here? i'm without a social life now, when you still have your bunch of brothers. so am i supposed to pity you or are you supposed to pity me? or am i supposed to sink into the abyss of self sympathy?
its meaningless now , the scar will always be there. and i will always be that cheerful girlfriend you have, cos i know, even if i'm unhappy and i show it to you, you wont GENUINELY understand. so what's the use of being unhappy in front of you? why not just be happy? simple reasoning? yet complicates my own feelings.. yeap. being miserable alone is better than making you miserable too.
Sunday, October 01, 2006 ♥
lets make it short :
i jus woke up
i'm not well
i got high and lost my senses last nite
i spouted nonsense
i forgot wat i did in fact .
i'm tired now , i dont wanna continue all this nonsense
i reprimand myself for being so nice
i hate myself for givin in so much
i blame myself for the pain that i feel
i feel taken for granted
i feel unimportant
i dont feel my existence
i'm givin myself time to find myself back
i need a chance to prove to myself that i'm still the strong girl i used to be
i'm not gonna meet him
i'm not (maybe) even gonna initiate talkin to him
i just wanna stay here and think
i gonna stay here and wait
i gonna see what he'll do (but i doubt he'll do anythin)
i feel blank.
fuck