Sunday, December 30, 2007 ♥
Hello Honey,
Thanks for waking up at 9am just cos of me.
Thanks for dragging me to the doc.
Thanks for cooking for me.
Thanks for forcing me to eat medicine.
Thanks for giving up your bed to me.Thanks for waiting a few hours before I woke up.
Thanks for losing sleep cos of me.
Sorry for waking you up at 9am just cos I puked, shiat, fainted.
Sorry for being childish and refuse to see the doc for the past few days.
Sorry for not being able to eat anything, so you had to cook.
Sorry for hating medicine.
Sorry for taking up your bed for myself.
Sorry for leaving you alone for a few hours while I slept.
Sorry for making you lose your sleep.
I know I'm abit naggy. But please remember to lock your door and gate when you wake up. I left it unlocked. And yeah, I came home first. Gonna go over to my ah ma's place now. Goodbye Honey.
Friday, December 28, 2007 ♥
It's 6am but I still can't sleep. So here I am. Yes, be prepared for a long blog post. Been rolling around my bed, reminiscing quite alot the past few nights. I've read through my old posts and laughed and sympathised myself. It sounds hilarious I know. I've looked back at all the emo shitty periods I've been through and realised how much I've changed for the whole of past year. It must be the end-of-year-emo-syndrome I'm going through now.
April 2007:
The period when I decided I had enough. I wanted out of that 18 month, worthless, meaningless, childish relationship. I had enough of giving in, of being taken for granted. I was sick of the life that I led, which is actually no life for myself at all.
May 2007:
Came along this guy whom I thought would be a good one. Yes, please DO laugh at me. Gentlemanly yes, sweet yes, supportive yes, non-restrictive yes, love me for who I am, no. Verdict: BREAK UP.
Mid-may 2007:
My 18th birthday. Clubbing officially. Enjoyed my single status, broke hearts, created chaos. Mugged hardcore for my papers. Got backstabbed by our dear friend Mud even until now. I swear he should be a commentator. His face muscles NEVER gets tired.
June 2007:
I fell in love without thinking, lost my senses and rationale, went head over heels over this bloke. It was like a roller-coaster ride. You defy gravity and reached the peak and you can't take it no more, you came crashing down. It's like being thrown into a sea of fire and shoved into a land of ice and back into the heat again. It's like a bungee jump, you dive down and then up again and it repeats itself until you're left hanging there. Alone.
I didn't understand what I've done. Then I realised, gossips can be lethal. Humans are scary creatures.
July 2007:
I sank into depression. I started to like walking around with my earphones plugged. I started to stop talking to people, to stop smiling at strangers, to start eating as much as I can. I started to cry more than normal, started having stupid incidents like losing my wallet, started hurting myself more during tkd trainings. Started wearing non-waterproof mascara (up till this date) so I won't cry. Obviously it didn't work.
August 2007:
I was still down with depression. I felt removed from the world, as if I was watching my surroundings on a nearby cloud. I was separate from the emotions and engagements of everyone around me. I watched myself and my own life drain past, as if nothing could come near me or touch me. I started to like that insulating layer, as if it was part of me. I enjoyed being by myself. I enjoyed being away from people. I shopped, dined, went to the bookstore, cinemas, travelled alone. I lived in my own cage.
September 2007:
Whether it was a rebound, I have no idea. Maybe it was just a fling to him, maybe I was yet another girl. It didn't make a difference to me. I had my insulating layer on. I was the one who left. I didn't like it. Not at all.
I had fun with my baby Mandy, we went crazy, went overboard, went over my limits. I didn't care. I like having her around. Life's so much better when we hang onto each other for support.
October 2007:
How dumb was I to allow someone into my life just like that. I was the one who went into others' relationship, I was the one who nearly caused another girl's heart to be broken. I didn't know about it until the very last minute.
I allowed myself to sink into depression again. I gave up fighting for it, I gave up doing anything more. It's not fair to her. I forced myself to let go. Cried myself to sleep every night, saddened those around me. I locked myself deeper into my own world. I didn't allow anyone in. I drank, I smoked, I slapped myself into the right senses. I raised the barrier around me even higher than before. All guys were jerks to me, all relationships were negative.
November 2007:
I locked my heart somewhere so nobody could get to it. As if it prevented me from feeling and thinking with that raw emotion. I enjoyed physical weariness that assailed me after running or clubbing or swimming.
I thought I was okay. I had my friends, I had my baby. Life was good. I was enjoying my time with them. Of course, there were my bitches too. Girls night out, girls shopping day. I spent the whole of November emo-ing and party-ing away. I couldn't remember a single significant shit that happened. Except me bawling my eyes out in Phuture over a jerk and I don't even know about it. How cool. The very first time I got drunk in a public place, I puked, I cried, I didn't bother about how I look.
And I'm sorry Chanel, it was your birthday. Then I came home and I looked through my laptop, looked through all those memories that I've kept and I felt nothing at all. I knew I've got over it long time ago. Maybe I cried outta self-sympathy or God-knows-what.
December 2007:
My baby's emo period. Over stuffs that could not be explained. The many ups and downs that happened. The many times I had to cheer her up. The many times when I cried with her. Yes baby, hugging each other and cry is sooooooo not us. Let's go back to the crazy, crappy us aite. Shall NOT discuss anything about those sad times.
The past 3 weeks spent with Jeff was one of the most relaxed, time I ever had in months. Yet ironically, it was one of the reasons for those stress that I had. For a week I mugged hardcore, for a week he kept me company. He slept, played psp, laptop, stared at me, ate, while all I stare at was at my notes.
I called him to cry, ranted on and on and he never ever lost his patience. Borrowed his shoulder, his jacket, his pillow, his time and he never complained. Always had his ways to cheer me up, make me laugh. Hug me whenever he spots me crying, wipes my tears away, patiently hold me till I stop. Scolds me stupid and silly and dumb yet tell me how he still loves me the same. Whatever spell he casted, he seemed to be able to reach my heart, break through the wall that I've built around me and get to know me better instead of just Clare the Bob.
Today:
It's strange thinking how impossible we seemed to be months back. What more can I hope for? Someone who loves me for who I am. Accepts my sudden emotional outbursts, the endless tears, the stubborn streak in me, my angry inner child, my laziness, the craziness, the sudden flare-ups at perverts in clubs, my messy everything, my sleeping and drinking and smoking habits. The way I rant on and on over senseless topics and he still can smile at me and ask me to continue even though I don't make any sense. The way I talk to myself sometimes and stare into blank space for a long time. I have no idea how anyone would love someone like that. But I'm glad he did.
Thanks everyone for making my year 2007 an eventful one. Even to those who broke my heart and taught me lessons that I could learn from nobody else but myself. Thanks for letting me pick and pull myself up, for giving me the chance to be emotionally stronger, for letting me know that I still can survive alone. Thanks to those who backstabbed me (especially Mud), thanks for allowing me to see the ugly side of fellow human beings. Thanks for the lessons learnt on hypocrisy, masqueraders.
Thanks to those who loves me, especially my Baby, Jeff, my bitches, the KOKs, everyone or anyone who treats me as someone they care about. You all make my life complete. Let's all wave goodbye to the sad memories that happened in 2007, embrace and cherish the good ones and bring them over to the new year.
In advance, I wanna wish everyone and anyone who is reading this a very Happy New Year 2008 to you and your families. Wishing y'all the best of health and wealth. (:
Lotsa Loves,
Clare (who finally finished ranting after 1 hr plus)
April 2007:
The period when I decided I had enough. I wanted out of that 18 month, worthless, meaningless, childish relationship. I had enough of giving in, of being taken for granted. I was sick of the life that I led, which is actually no life for myself at all.
May 2007:
Came along this guy whom I thought would be a good one. Yes, please DO laugh at me. Gentlemanly yes, sweet yes, supportive yes, non-restrictive yes, love me for who I am, no. Verdict: BREAK UP.
Mid-may 2007:
My 18th birthday. Clubbing officially. Enjoyed my single status, broke hearts, created chaos. Mugged hardcore for my papers. Got backstabbed by our dear friend Mud even until now. I swear he should be a commentator. His face muscles NEVER gets tired.
June 2007:
I fell in love without thinking, lost my senses and rationale, went head over heels over this bloke. It was like a roller-coaster ride. You defy gravity and reached the peak and you can't take it no more, you came crashing down. It's like being thrown into a sea of fire and shoved into a land of ice and back into the heat again. It's like a bungee jump, you dive down and then up again and it repeats itself until you're left hanging there. Alone.
I didn't understand what I've done. Then I realised, gossips can be lethal. Humans are scary creatures.
July 2007:
I sank into depression. I started to like walking around with my earphones plugged. I started to stop talking to people, to stop smiling at strangers, to start eating as much as I can. I started to cry more than normal, started having stupid incidents like losing my wallet, started hurting myself more during tkd trainings. Started wearing non-waterproof mascara (up till this date) so I won't cry. Obviously it didn't work.
August 2007:
I was still down with depression. I felt removed from the world, as if I was watching my surroundings on a nearby cloud. I was separate from the emotions and engagements of everyone around me. I watched myself and my own life drain past, as if nothing could come near me or touch me. I started to like that insulating layer, as if it was part of me. I enjoyed being by myself. I enjoyed being away from people. I shopped, dined, went to the bookstore, cinemas, travelled alone. I lived in my own cage.
September 2007:
Whether it was a rebound, I have no idea. Maybe it was just a fling to him, maybe I was yet another girl. It didn't make a difference to me. I had my insulating layer on. I was the one who left. I didn't like it. Not at all.
I had fun with my baby Mandy, we went crazy, went overboard, went over my limits. I didn't care. I like having her around. Life's so much better when we hang onto each other for support.
October 2007:
How dumb was I to allow someone into my life just like that. I was the one who went into others' relationship, I was the one who nearly caused another girl's heart to be broken. I didn't know about it until the very last minute.
I allowed myself to sink into depression again. I gave up fighting for it, I gave up doing anything more. It's not fair to her. I forced myself to let go. Cried myself to sleep every night, saddened those around me. I locked myself deeper into my own world. I didn't allow anyone in. I drank, I smoked, I slapped myself into the right senses. I raised the barrier around me even higher than before. All guys were jerks to me, all relationships were negative.
November 2007:
I locked my heart somewhere so nobody could get to it. As if it prevented me from feeling and thinking with that raw emotion. I enjoyed physical weariness that assailed me after running or clubbing or swimming.
I thought I was okay. I had my friends, I had my baby. Life was good. I was enjoying my time with them. Of course, there were my bitches too. Girls night out, girls shopping day. I spent the whole of November emo-ing and party-ing away. I couldn't remember a single significant shit that happened. Except me bawling my eyes out in Phuture over a jerk and I don't even know about it. How cool. The very first time I got drunk in a public place, I puked, I cried, I didn't bother about how I look.
And I'm sorry Chanel, it was your birthday. Then I came home and I looked through my laptop, looked through all those memories that I've kept and I felt nothing at all. I knew I've got over it long time ago. Maybe I cried outta self-sympathy or God-knows-what.
December 2007:
My baby's emo period. Over stuffs that could not be explained. The many ups and downs that happened. The many times I had to cheer her up. The many times when I cried with her. Yes baby, hugging each other and cry is sooooooo not us. Let's go back to the crazy, crappy us aite. Shall NOT discuss anything about those sad times.
The past 3 weeks spent with Jeff was one of the most relaxed, time I ever had in months. Yet ironically, it was one of the reasons for those stress that I had. For a week I mugged hardcore, for a week he kept me company. He slept, played psp, laptop, stared at me, ate, while all I stare at was at my notes.
I called him to cry, ranted on and on and he never ever lost his patience. Borrowed his shoulder, his jacket, his pillow, his time and he never complained. Always had his ways to cheer me up, make me laugh. Hug me whenever he spots me crying, wipes my tears away, patiently hold me till I stop. Scolds me stupid and silly and dumb yet tell me how he still loves me the same. Whatever spell he casted, he seemed to be able to reach my heart, break through the wall that I've built around me and get to know me better instead of just Clare the Bob.
Today:
It's strange thinking how impossible we seemed to be months back. What more can I hope for? Someone who loves me for who I am. Accepts my sudden emotional outbursts, the endless tears, the stubborn streak in me, my angry inner child, my laziness, the craziness, the sudden flare-ups at perverts in clubs, my messy everything, my sleeping and drinking and smoking habits. The way I rant on and on over senseless topics and he still can smile at me and ask me to continue even though I don't make any sense. The way I talk to myself sometimes and stare into blank space for a long time. I have no idea how anyone would love someone like that. But I'm glad he did.
Thanks everyone for making my year 2007 an eventful one. Even to those who broke my heart and taught me lessons that I could learn from nobody else but myself. Thanks for letting me pick and pull myself up, for giving me the chance to be emotionally stronger, for letting me know that I still can survive alone. Thanks to those who backstabbed me (especially Mud), thanks for allowing me to see the ugly side of fellow human beings. Thanks for the lessons learnt on hypocrisy, masqueraders.
Thanks to those who loves me, especially my Baby, Jeff, my bitches, the KOKs, everyone or anyone who treats me as someone they care about. You all make my life complete. Let's all wave goodbye to the sad memories that happened in 2007, embrace and cherish the good ones and bring them over to the new year.
In advance, I wanna wish everyone and anyone who is reading this a very Happy New Year 2008 to you and your families. Wishing y'all the best of health and wealth. (:
Lotsa Loves,
Clare (who finally finished ranting after 1 hr plus)
Wednesday, December 26, 2007 ♥
X'mas eve was awesome at Mokkie's.
Cherries' are the in-thing for X'mas
So is taking photos with a cherry in your mouth. Red green red.
Green red green green red and erm, black. Vodka makes Clare a happy kid.
Everybodayyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee
Thanks for your present Baby, I love it loads. I hope everything's fine, no more tears whatsoever. I want it back the same. It ain't, ain't the same. I want you to come back through my door, without you around is a little bit more than I can stand. Why did you turn away? Please cheer up. I've never cried and begged someone before. I actually did it so you will stop crying. What will it take to make you come back? Going back to the way it was. I'll wait for you cos' I don't know what else I can do.
Honey, thanks for being around. Let's stay stupidly like how we are now. I love you too.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007 ♥
There's nothing much I can do to solve the problem anymore. Whatever should be said, I've said. Whatever I can do, I've done. I'm not losing my patience nor am I giving up. I'm just giving you time to think about all the things I've done to make you understand my point. I leave the whole thing up to you. I'm even prepared to give you months to think about it. If you think our whatever ship is so unimportant, then fuck it. I'm really serious when I say I'm leaving it to you.
Yeap, I decided to blog cos I'm bored waiting for him to reach my place. Gotta go for breakfast. Update soon.
Friday, December 14, 2007 ♥
Why are you hiding away from me? What's there to be afraid of. What have I done? Don't tell me sorry anymore. Sorry has lost it's use or effect. Just with a word 'Sorry' you expect me to let you continue sinking into all those emo shit? You expect me to allow you not to tell me how you're feeling? I'm sorry, NO.
You listen up. You can scold, shout, scream, talk, draw, type, blog, sms, write... whatever to tell me what's wrong or how you're feeling so I can fucking help. So you think with 'I don't know how to explain myself at times' can help you to continue avoiding, I'm sorry but you're wrong too.
Are you trying to make me lose my patience or are you trying to make me feel worse when I already feel bad? When the fuck are you gonna pull yourself outta that bloody shell that you're hiding in and come face me like the normal bubbly person you are? I swear I can flare up anytime. But I won't lose my temper in front of you.
I told you before. Whatever that you're not happy about, tell me about it. AND tell me straight. You think I like going one round before understanding what the fuck is happening? Don't tell me I happy can already. FUCK. How you want me to be happy when you're like this?
I know you're busy with some stuff and I can't blame you. You think I don't feel bad over all those things that you're doing now meh? But, that doesn't mean you can keep rejecting me. I ask you out you reject. Dinner, reject. Call, diverted. Msn, reject. Sms, sometimes no reply. YOU THINK LIKE THIS I VERY HAPPY IS IT. YOU'RE SUPER DUPER UBER WRONG.
My exams will be over in 3 hrs time. I give you 1 week of my hols to think it through. Whether you wanna come clean with me or not. Whether you wanna get outta that bloody shell and stop being an ostrich that bury its head in the ground just to avoid the whole world. I DON'T LIKE. FUCKING DON'T LIKE.
1 week before I start knocking on your door and talk to you in the exact way that I've typed this post.
Hello Happy Hazelnut:
Sometimes I feel I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know when to joke, when to be serious. I don't know when will you be angry, when will you be sad. In anyway, I just want you to know that nothing is more important than the whatever-ship we have.
Even though it seems like everything ain't going fine, I'm still around. Don't have to be sorry that you're gonna be emo cos I will never ever mind. If you think nobody bothers and that all friends don't last long, you're wrong cos you have me. I did not lie nor did I not tell you anything so don't hate yourself cos you're not a nuisance to me.
Although you may seem to be strong physically, mentally or emotionally, I'll still be around to pull you up when you're down. I don't care how strong you are or how well you can hide your feelings, I'll still stick around even if you chase me away.
So baby, come tell me how you feel instead of pushing me away cos it hurts. Don't reject my efforts, don't reject my concerns to cheer you up love. Tell me what you want and I'll do my best to give it to you.
In another 13 hours, my exams will be over. We will be out having fun together like how we used to aite? Forget about the world, forget about the sad stuff and whatever sorrows or frustration you have.
Just remember that Clare or the Cheery Raisin will always be somewhere within your reach. I will let you have your time alone if you wish to. But, I'm just a ring away. Let's not drift apart.
ily baby
Sometimes I feel I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know when to joke, when to be serious. I don't know when will you be angry, when will you be sad. In anyway, I just want you to know that nothing is more important than the whatever-ship we have.
Even though it seems like everything ain't going fine, I'm still around. Don't have to be sorry that you're gonna be emo cos I will never ever mind. If you think nobody bothers and that all friends don't last long, you're wrong cos you have me. I did not lie nor did I not tell you anything so don't hate yourself cos you're not a nuisance to me.
Although you may seem to be strong physically, mentally or emotionally, I'll still be around to pull you up when you're down. I don't care how strong you are or how well you can hide your feelings, I'll still stick around even if you chase me away.
So baby, come tell me how you feel instead of pushing me away cos it hurts. Don't reject my efforts, don't reject my concerns to cheer you up love. Tell me what you want and I'll do my best to give it to you.
In another 13 hours, my exams will be over. We will be out having fun together like how we used to aite? Forget about the world, forget about the sad stuff and whatever sorrows or frustration you have.
Just remember that Clare or the Cheery Raisin will always be somewhere within your reach. I will let you have your time alone if you wish to. But, I'm just a ring away. Let's not drift apart.
ily baby
Tuesday, December 11, 2007 ♥
You're making me start to feel like I don't understand you anymore, like as if I don't know what you want or how you feel. In short, I feel like I'm drifting away from you. You're pushing me away, keeping things to yourself. You said you feel useless, you mean I don't? Now that all this shit arises and I don't know a single fuck how you're feeling or what is bothering you. You mean I won't feel useless?
I don't understand more than half of your blog post. I don't understand a single fuck why you've been like that for the past whole week. I'm trying to cheer you up in every way possible, talk cock to you, be serious, console you, act stupid. But why is nothing working? Baby, you're making me seriously worried.
What is there you can't tell me? What is it that makes you so stress? Who is the one that is stressing you up? FUCK, why can't you just tell me. Now my heart aches everytime I think of you and those happy times that we had. I told you I miss Maddy Mandy. I swear I will scold whoever that adds stress to you. Damn.
Sunday, December 09, 2007 ♥
Mandy Baby,
I just wanna tell you I'll be here no matter what happens and I'll be here to listen to you, to lend you my shoulder, or even to let you whack. I don't wanna see you hurt, tired, sad, down, angry or whatever negative feelings. Whatever you don't like, no matter how hard it takes, I will try my best not to do it. I swear upon my own life. Really. You're that important to me. The more I don't wanna see you hurt/sad, the more I won't be the one to make that happen to you.
Please don't scare the fuck outta me anymore, don't walk away without letting me know anymore. Don't off your phone after you walk away without telling me the reason. You know no matter what you say I won't be angry or pissed at you. So just be straightforward and honest with me.
Yes, heartache shows what we have between us. And I know my heart aches damn bad when I know what you've done for me at the expense of your rest. Anyway, from now on, tell me everything/anything. And yeah laaaaaaaaaa, you'll be the first to know if I ......
AND, stop saying sorry to me. You've said enough sorrys. So stop crying at your monitor now. I mean, THIS POST VERY SAD MEH.
I love you baby.
P.S: You said I'm the best of the best thing heaven has ever sent to you. I just wanna say, I'm really serious about being tgt till our hair grow white thingy.