Thursday, June 05, 2008 ♥
Have you ever wondered what is this person doing in your life?
I woke up and felt him next to me. That overwhelming feeling of familiarity yet a with a tinge of foreignness in it. That bugging, warm and heavy arm thrown across me, anchoring me to my bed. The heat that he radiated despite the surface coolness of his skin. This bugger was lying totally blissfully in my bed, my lil' oasis of happiness, still clinging onto me.
I heard the water running in my toilet, heard his habitual sneezing after he woke up. And there I was, making a honey drink for him. The domesticity of it made my thoughts seep back into reality, even though there was something surreal about it.
I stared at him as he tidied himself. The solitary life that I used to lead, with or without a guy, has totally changed, I enjoyed doing things at my own pace, to estimate the time I will need before I leave the house for school. Instead, there's this man in front of my dressing table, the most generous of any that I've ever met. He gave of himself in a way I had never expected, that unhesitating generosity that I've got from nobody else. Though I'm late, I can't possibly blame him for being part of my life, for messing up my routine, for being someone I have to consider about no matter what I do.
I'm used to walking, sleeping, going through my daily routine of brushing my teeth, going to the shower, using the dressing table, alone. And I didn't realise that for half a year, there's this guy leaving his presence everywhere around me. Didn't realise the fact that I've gotten used to utilising my toilet, mirrors and dressing table concurrently with someone else. The fact that I actually miss his presence before I fall asleep. The times when I feel that a queen sized bed is too big for me alone.
In this past few months, the frequency of me squeezing him next to a wall while we're walking on a narrow path has decreased with time. The frequency of me reaching out to pull his hand while we're crossing the road has increased. Now that I'm so used to living a life for two, I'm so afraid to go back to that solitude that I've used to embrace. The paranoia of losing someone who has found his way into your heart.
As I stared at him while he busied himself, fiddling with my hair dryer, making faces at me through my dressing table's mirror, the thought came to me randomly. "What is this guy doing in front of my dressing table? Of all the guys in the world, why him?" It struck me that I should thank whoever wrote the Book of Fate (as believed in ancient Chinese dramas).
If at that point in time, I didn't take the risk to venture further, more than friends. He may still be one of those that I'll go clubbing with as a group. He may be holding onto some other girl's hands and she will be the one protected in his arms rather than me. (Fuck, I'm getting jealous at the thought of it.) Then the guy that I'm staring at in front of my dressing table will not be him anymore. Who will it be? Ain't Fate an extraordinary bizzare and phenomenal thing?
Till date, I'm glad that we're the one who crossed each other's Path in Life. The fact that it's MY clothes in his closet, the fact that it's MY towel stashed in his closet, the fact that it's MY fragrance on his pillow, the fact that I'm the girl in his house, the fact that it's ME in his life. The fact that we can bathe, brush our teeth together, even pee in front of each other. It's such a pleasure acknowledging how comfortable we are with each other without the use of words.
4 pillows, 2 blankets, 1 bolster, 1 tissue box, 2 heads, 2 heartbeats, 4 entangled limbs with 1 love.
Yes, that's what I've got on my bed.
I so gotta study for my Company Law paper. Another 6 hours to it.
Jeffrey Ding, please cry after reading this post.