Friday, December 28, 2007 ♥
It's 6am but I still can't sleep. So here I am. Yes, be prepared for a long blog post. Been rolling around my bed, reminiscing quite alot the past few nights. I've read through my old posts and laughed and sympathised myself. It sounds hilarious I know. I've looked back at all the emo shitty periods I've been through and realised how much I've changed for the whole of past year. It must be the end-of-year-emo-syndrome I'm going through now.
April 2007:
The period when I decided I had enough. I wanted out of that 18 month, worthless, meaningless, childish relationship. I had enough of giving in, of being taken for granted. I was sick of the life that I led, which is actually no life for myself at all.
May 2007:
Came along this guy whom I thought would be a good one. Yes, please DO laugh at me. Gentlemanly yes, sweet yes, supportive yes, non-restrictive yes, love me for who I am, no. Verdict: BREAK UP.
Mid-may 2007:
My 18th birthday. Clubbing officially. Enjoyed my single status, broke hearts, created chaos. Mugged hardcore for my papers. Got backstabbed by our dear friend Mud even until now. I swear he should be a commentator. His face muscles NEVER gets tired.
June 2007:
I fell in love without thinking, lost my senses and rationale, went head over heels over this bloke. It was like a roller-coaster ride. You defy gravity and reached the peak and you can't take it no more, you came crashing down. It's like being thrown into a sea of fire and shoved into a land of ice and back into the heat again. It's like a bungee jump, you dive down and then up again and it repeats itself until you're left hanging there. Alone.
I didn't understand what I've done. Then I realised, gossips can be lethal. Humans are scary creatures.
July 2007:
I sank into depression. I started to like walking around with my earphones plugged. I started to stop talking to people, to stop smiling at strangers, to start eating as much as I can. I started to cry more than normal, started having stupid incidents like losing my wallet, started hurting myself more during tkd trainings. Started wearing non-waterproof mascara (up till this date) so I won't cry. Obviously it didn't work.
August 2007:
I was still down with depression. I felt removed from the world, as if I was watching my surroundings on a nearby cloud. I was separate from the emotions and engagements of everyone around me. I watched myself and my own life drain past, as if nothing could come near me or touch me. I started to like that insulating layer, as if it was part of me. I enjoyed being by myself. I enjoyed being away from people. I shopped, dined, went to the bookstore, cinemas, travelled alone. I lived in my own cage.
September 2007:
Whether it was a rebound, I have no idea. Maybe it was just a fling to him, maybe I was yet another girl. It didn't make a difference to me. I had my insulating layer on. I was the one who left. I didn't like it. Not at all.
I had fun with my baby Mandy, we went crazy, went overboard, went over my limits. I didn't care. I like having her around. Life's so much better when we hang onto each other for support.
October 2007:
How dumb was I to allow someone into my life just like that. I was the one who went into others' relationship, I was the one who nearly caused another girl's heart to be broken. I didn't know about it until the very last minute.
I allowed myself to sink into depression again. I gave up fighting for it, I gave up doing anything more. It's not fair to her. I forced myself to let go. Cried myself to sleep every night, saddened those around me. I locked myself deeper into my own world. I didn't allow anyone in. I drank, I smoked, I slapped myself into the right senses. I raised the barrier around me even higher than before. All guys were jerks to me, all relationships were negative.
November 2007:
I locked my heart somewhere so nobody could get to it. As if it prevented me from feeling and thinking with that raw emotion. I enjoyed physical weariness that assailed me after running or clubbing or swimming.
I thought I was okay. I had my friends, I had my baby. Life was good. I was enjoying my time with them. Of course, there were my bitches too. Girls night out, girls shopping day. I spent the whole of November emo-ing and party-ing away. I couldn't remember a single significant shit that happened. Except me bawling my eyes out in Phuture over a jerk and I don't even know about it. How cool. The very first time I got drunk in a public place, I puked, I cried, I didn't bother about how I look.
And I'm sorry Chanel, it was your birthday. Then I came home and I looked through my laptop, looked through all those memories that I've kept and I felt nothing at all. I knew I've got over it long time ago. Maybe I cried outta self-sympathy or God-knows-what.
December 2007:
My baby's emo period. Over stuffs that could not be explained. The many ups and downs that happened. The many times I had to cheer her up. The many times when I cried with her. Yes baby, hugging each other and cry is sooooooo not us. Let's go back to the crazy, crappy us aite. Shall NOT discuss anything about those sad times.
The past 3 weeks spent with Jeff was one of the most relaxed, time I ever had in months. Yet ironically, it was one of the reasons for those stress that I had. For a week I mugged hardcore, for a week he kept me company. He slept, played psp, laptop, stared at me, ate, while all I stare at was at my notes.
I called him to cry, ranted on and on and he never ever lost his patience. Borrowed his shoulder, his jacket, his pillow, his time and he never complained. Always had his ways to cheer me up, make me laugh. Hug me whenever he spots me crying, wipes my tears away, patiently hold me till I stop. Scolds me stupid and silly and dumb yet tell me how he still loves me the same. Whatever spell he casted, he seemed to be able to reach my heart, break through the wall that I've built around me and get to know me better instead of just Clare the Bob.
Today:
It's strange thinking how impossible we seemed to be months back. What more can I hope for? Someone who loves me for who I am. Accepts my sudden emotional outbursts, the endless tears, the stubborn streak in me, my angry inner child, my laziness, the craziness, the sudden flare-ups at perverts in clubs, my messy everything, my sleeping and drinking and smoking habits. The way I rant on and on over senseless topics and he still can smile at me and ask me to continue even though I don't make any sense. The way I talk to myself sometimes and stare into blank space for a long time. I have no idea how anyone would love someone like that. But I'm glad he did.
Thanks everyone for making my year 2007 an eventful one. Even to those who broke my heart and taught me lessons that I could learn from nobody else but myself. Thanks for letting me pick and pull myself up, for giving me the chance to be emotionally stronger, for letting me know that I still can survive alone. Thanks to those who backstabbed me (especially Mud), thanks for allowing me to see the ugly side of fellow human beings. Thanks for the lessons learnt on hypocrisy, masqueraders.
Thanks to those who loves me, especially my Baby, Jeff, my bitches, the KOKs, everyone or anyone who treats me as someone they care about. You all make my life complete. Let's all wave goodbye to the sad memories that happened in 2007, embrace and cherish the good ones and bring them over to the new year.
In advance, I wanna wish everyone and anyone who is reading this a very Happy New Year 2008 to you and your families. Wishing y'all the best of health and wealth. (:
Lotsa Loves,
Clare (who finally finished ranting after 1 hr plus)
April 2007:
The period when I decided I had enough. I wanted out of that 18 month, worthless, meaningless, childish relationship. I had enough of giving in, of being taken for granted. I was sick of the life that I led, which is actually no life for myself at all.
May 2007:
Came along this guy whom I thought would be a good one. Yes, please DO laugh at me. Gentlemanly yes, sweet yes, supportive yes, non-restrictive yes, love me for who I am, no. Verdict: BREAK UP.
Mid-may 2007:
My 18th birthday. Clubbing officially. Enjoyed my single status, broke hearts, created chaos. Mugged hardcore for my papers. Got backstabbed by our dear friend Mud even until now. I swear he should be a commentator. His face muscles NEVER gets tired.
June 2007:
I fell in love without thinking, lost my senses and rationale, went head over heels over this bloke. It was like a roller-coaster ride. You defy gravity and reached the peak and you can't take it no more, you came crashing down. It's like being thrown into a sea of fire and shoved into a land of ice and back into the heat again. It's like a bungee jump, you dive down and then up again and it repeats itself until you're left hanging there. Alone.
I didn't understand what I've done. Then I realised, gossips can be lethal. Humans are scary creatures.
July 2007:
I sank into depression. I started to like walking around with my earphones plugged. I started to stop talking to people, to stop smiling at strangers, to start eating as much as I can. I started to cry more than normal, started having stupid incidents like losing my wallet, started hurting myself more during tkd trainings. Started wearing non-waterproof mascara (up till this date) so I won't cry. Obviously it didn't work.
August 2007:
I was still down with depression. I felt removed from the world, as if I was watching my surroundings on a nearby cloud. I was separate from the emotions and engagements of everyone around me. I watched myself and my own life drain past, as if nothing could come near me or touch me. I started to like that insulating layer, as if it was part of me. I enjoyed being by myself. I enjoyed being away from people. I shopped, dined, went to the bookstore, cinemas, travelled alone. I lived in my own cage.
September 2007:
Whether it was a rebound, I have no idea. Maybe it was just a fling to him, maybe I was yet another girl. It didn't make a difference to me. I had my insulating layer on. I was the one who left. I didn't like it. Not at all.
I had fun with my baby Mandy, we went crazy, went overboard, went over my limits. I didn't care. I like having her around. Life's so much better when we hang onto each other for support.
October 2007:
How dumb was I to allow someone into my life just like that. I was the one who went into others' relationship, I was the one who nearly caused another girl's heart to be broken. I didn't know about it until the very last minute.
I allowed myself to sink into depression again. I gave up fighting for it, I gave up doing anything more. It's not fair to her. I forced myself to let go. Cried myself to sleep every night, saddened those around me. I locked myself deeper into my own world. I didn't allow anyone in. I drank, I smoked, I slapped myself into the right senses. I raised the barrier around me even higher than before. All guys were jerks to me, all relationships were negative.
November 2007:
I locked my heart somewhere so nobody could get to it. As if it prevented me from feeling and thinking with that raw emotion. I enjoyed physical weariness that assailed me after running or clubbing or swimming.
I thought I was okay. I had my friends, I had my baby. Life was good. I was enjoying my time with them. Of course, there were my bitches too. Girls night out, girls shopping day. I spent the whole of November emo-ing and party-ing away. I couldn't remember a single significant shit that happened. Except me bawling my eyes out in Phuture over a jerk and I don't even know about it. How cool. The very first time I got drunk in a public place, I puked, I cried, I didn't bother about how I look.
And I'm sorry Chanel, it was your birthday. Then I came home and I looked through my laptop, looked through all those memories that I've kept and I felt nothing at all. I knew I've got over it long time ago. Maybe I cried outta self-sympathy or God-knows-what.
December 2007:
My baby's emo period. Over stuffs that could not be explained. The many ups and downs that happened. The many times I had to cheer her up. The many times when I cried with her. Yes baby, hugging each other and cry is sooooooo not us. Let's go back to the crazy, crappy us aite. Shall NOT discuss anything about those sad times.
The past 3 weeks spent with Jeff was one of the most relaxed, time I ever had in months. Yet ironically, it was one of the reasons for those stress that I had. For a week I mugged hardcore, for a week he kept me company. He slept, played psp, laptop, stared at me, ate, while all I stare at was at my notes.
I called him to cry, ranted on and on and he never ever lost his patience. Borrowed his shoulder, his jacket, his pillow, his time and he never complained. Always had his ways to cheer me up, make me laugh. Hug me whenever he spots me crying, wipes my tears away, patiently hold me till I stop. Scolds me stupid and silly and dumb yet tell me how he still loves me the same. Whatever spell he casted, he seemed to be able to reach my heart, break through the wall that I've built around me and get to know me better instead of just Clare the Bob.
Today:
It's strange thinking how impossible we seemed to be months back. What more can I hope for? Someone who loves me for who I am. Accepts my sudden emotional outbursts, the endless tears, the stubborn streak in me, my angry inner child, my laziness, the craziness, the sudden flare-ups at perverts in clubs, my messy everything, my sleeping and drinking and smoking habits. The way I rant on and on over senseless topics and he still can smile at me and ask me to continue even though I don't make any sense. The way I talk to myself sometimes and stare into blank space for a long time. I have no idea how anyone would love someone like that. But I'm glad he did.
Thanks everyone for making my year 2007 an eventful one. Even to those who broke my heart and taught me lessons that I could learn from nobody else but myself. Thanks for letting me pick and pull myself up, for giving me the chance to be emotionally stronger, for letting me know that I still can survive alone. Thanks to those who backstabbed me (especially Mud), thanks for allowing me to see the ugly side of fellow human beings. Thanks for the lessons learnt on hypocrisy, masqueraders.
Thanks to those who loves me, especially my Baby, Jeff, my bitches, the KOKs, everyone or anyone who treats me as someone they care about. You all make my life complete. Let's all wave goodbye to the sad memories that happened in 2007, embrace and cherish the good ones and bring them over to the new year.
In advance, I wanna wish everyone and anyone who is reading this a very Happy New Year 2008 to you and your families. Wishing y'all the best of health and wealth. (:
Lotsa Loves,
Clare (who finally finished ranting after 1 hr plus)